Of My Many Imperfections

I have almost continually struggled with my weight. I can never seem to stick to my guns with not overreating and underexercising. But I think I am finally ready to really truly make an effort to lose my extra weight and keep it off.

On Wednesday, Aaron took some "before" pictures for me. Yuck. I will save those for another day, preferably when I have a fantastic looking "after" picture to go up next to them. On Saturday, I took my measurements and officially started back up with counting calories.

One of the things I'm going to do differently is to not focus so much on my quest to lose weight. Instead, I have chosen six qualities I want to grow in. I chose six because I have my goals broken down into six-week mini goals. So, instead of thinking about the 3,500 calories I need to burn or cut to drop a pound, I'm going to focus on one of those qualities.

Here's how I want to grow:

1. Teachable
• I realize that at times, I can be extremely stubborn and difficult to teach. It's really not that I think I know everything, but I like control. I like having my own way of doing things and that applies to every aspect of my life. But, through working in ministry, I've come to realize that being teachable is an extremely attractive and valuable quality to possess.
  
2. Peaceful
• Sometimes I feel like I am thee most stressed out person I know. I'm wound up and uptight and I don't like myself when I'm like that. I like myself when I am able to relax and have fun. I like it when I find myself laughing so loud that I'm a little embarrassed, and I like it when I'm able to make a simple decision without herniating a disk. I want to be able to sit in silence without thinking about the million other things going on in my life and in the lives of those around me.
  
3. Humble
• Ah, yes, humility. I don't want a false humility that is more about self-degradation than acceptance of place. I want to break down pride in every form and discover that my efforts do not make the world go round.
  
4. Patient
• Don't we all need a little more of this? Strategically placed at the halfway point of my 6-week session, because I know I'll want to be frustrated and angry about any shortcomings in my progress. But not only do I want to be patient with my body and weight to change, I want to be patient with my husband and our hyperactive dog. I want to be patient with my friends and coworkers. I don't want to experience a mini-mental breakdown when someone is driving too slowly in front of me when I need to get somewhere.
  
5. Gentle
• Ouch. Sometimes I cause people to say it. With my sarcasm (which, don't get me wrong, can be quite funny), with my little-sister-tomboy punches, with my sighs of disapproval, or with my words when I'm angry. I want to be overall more kind, more feminine in some way, I suppose. I most certainly don't want to cut people down with my words and actions.
  
6. Self-Controlled
• Ice cream should be allowed in my apartment. I should be able to have enough discipline to put down the spoon when I've had enough, to only have it when there's occasion to and not because I just got home from work. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who can eat just about anything he wants, and I need to be able to just say no when it comes to those empty calories. I should also be able to get up and go to bed at a reasonable time. I should be able to stop what I'm doing on the computer and do some chores, or get off the couch and go to the grocery store. I will not allow anything to control my weight or my stress but me.
  

I think one of the most valuable things I have determined this weekend is that my weight has been affecting me so much more than it should. It's just a stupid number. So what if I'm "chubby" - it could be worse, right? Anyway, I shouldn't care so much about it and I shouldn't care so much about getting rid of it. So I'm taking a stand. I'm taking a walk. I'm working out (at 24 if anyone cares to join me). And I'm taking it one day at a time this week, and for the 5 weeks after that.

When I've lost 5lbs, the whole thing will start over again.

And by this time next year, if I've learned anything about patience and self-control, I should be at my goal weight.

Wish me luck perseverance!