Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The girl who cried wolf

About my calendar post yesterday... here is my weekly life in a nutshell:

Sunday - Church
Monday - Work @ whatever time I want for 4-6 hours
Tuesday - Work 9:30-5:30
Weight Watchers 6:00-6:30
Wednesday - Work 9:30-5:30
Thursday - Work 9:30-5:30
Bible Study 6:45-9:00
Friday - Work 9:30-5:30
Saturday - Randomness

See? It's not that bad, right? I don't know why I feel so busy. The only thing I can think of is that I'm doing so much stuff that I feel like I "have" to do instead of doing the things that I "want" to do. Like I really (honestly) want to do a workshop at Ultimate Improv (or The Space), but the drive out to Westwood (plus the cost) would be brutal. Or I would like to go to the Saturday morning group instead of on Thursday nights, but it seems like there is ALWAYS something on Saturdays that interferes.

Maybe it's the Saturday randomness that's killing me. I just know I want to stop everything and figure out what really matters to me. Currently my weight is burdening me a lot and I just feel like I don't even have the time or energy to do anything about it. I was losing weight at a pretty good rate, but now I've stopped and that is stressing me out as far as fitting into my dress for Alicia's wedding. And money is stressing me out, and I haven't had time to set up Quicken on our new computer to keep an eye on our budget, and honestly I would rather just not spend any unnecessary money until we're out of debt. But there are two of us involved in that decision and maybe we even each other out between the two extremes.

Maybe I need a membership at the Huntington Library or some other serene place.

Maybe it's just a matter of getting a routine and some disciplines down, like workout days and times, breaking down the housework into days, figuring out some simple grocery shopping lists and meal plans to make it a little easier to tackle that beast.

Ugh, I don't know. I just know something's gotta give. And if I just keep treading water in this survival mode, I'll drown. I need a couple weeks on an island (ha, not literally, but I wish), to get my head on straight and to look at the forest instead of running along smacking my face and limbs on the trees.

So yeah, I'm feeling like I "cried wolf" yesterday because I make it sound like I'm oh so busy, but really it's just that things are oh so out of control (to me).

That is all.

Well, not really, but that is all I'll write for now.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Bowing down to the calendar

I am seriously considering clearing my calendar completely except for work and self-care.

I don't exactly know how to go about it. But I really think I need to. And I'm not sure how anyone in my life will take it. I feel like I'm losing my mind in little ways every day, and I need some sanity.

The things that would absolutely NOT be on the chopping block would be things pertaining to Nick & Alicia's wedding, Lori's birthday, and Aaron's birthday. I think I need to absolutely limit my TV and internet time, and spend more time exercising and journaling and in quiet time with the Lord.

Ideally I would just go into hiding for 6 weeks and emerge a refreshed and stronger and more pleasant to be around version of myself. And slowly and catiously start adding calendar commitments back into the mix.

This sounds crazy upon re-reading, and I'm okay with that. I think people need to know this is honestly where I'm at and maybe it would help them understand if I say, "sorry, I can't go to your ________ (party, shower, luncheon, event, group mtg)." Okay, I'm leaving it at that. Any words of encouragement or wisdom are welcome.