Wednesday, August 26, 2009

2 Years in the Making

You may or may not have noticed my attempt at artfully and creatively dodging pregnant people, babies, and questions about pregnancy or babies over the last 2 years.

Aaron and I decided in August of 2007 that it was time to start a family.

But God had other plans.

We had always had some reasons for thinking that we might have issues when it came to having kids, but we had faith that it would be okay.

And then it wasn't. We didn't get pregnant. Again. And again. And again. I got progressively more depressed about it. It became harder and harder to watch our other friends have children and wonder if we ever would be able to or if we would have to try every fertility treatment available only to end up empty-armed.

We kept putting off going for testing, thinking maybe this month it will be different. That times 27 months gets tiring. Meanwhile, I'm getting outright depressed over the circumstances. One of my closest friends has had 2 children in the time we've been trying (yes, they are close in age). And pretty much everyone in our Bible study has kids or foreseeably soon will.

So, we got an appointment for a consultation with a specialist at a reproductive health center. I was a nervous wreck going into it, it felt like we were about to jump onto the scariest (and most expensive) roller coaster imaginable. After waiting for our appointment for nearly an hour, we left that appointment yesterday feeling no more assured of any possibilities than we did when we walked in. We left feeling vulnerable, frustrated, and with no more answers than we already knew.

But then something occurred to me.

The doctor was asking me about the date of my last cycle, and I couldn't remember. Partly out of frustration.

As we were driving home I decided to count back and try to figure out when I should be expecting my reminder that I was not pregnant.

Wait, is that right? Am I really a day or two or three late?


Scroll through and find a chat I remembered about my previous cycle.

Really? I'm late. Okay, I've thought I was "late" before and taken a test only to see a big fat negative result. I mention to Aaron that I *think* I'm late and wouldn't that be funny if this time we really were pregnant.

He wanted me to go buy a test and wait to take it until he got home from back to school night. Once he got home, I vaguely remember moving quite quickly to rip open the box and take the test.

What happened next was completely unexpected.

I swear the time waiting for a pregnancy test to turn is the longest 3 minutes you will ever experience. And I've heard they turn faster when they are positive. But when I saw the little "Pregnant" on the screen without the "Not" in front of it, I think I lost my mind. I called Aaron (well, screamed for Aaron to come in, in a crying weird sort of overwhelmed scream), and showed him the good news. I was in absolute shock. Pregnant. We are pregnant.

No more infertility and insurance run around, no more scouring the internet for potential causes and treatments.

Just scouring the internet to figure out what my little bean looks like right now.

Yeah... it's been quite the interesting evening / day. I truly have a hard time believing it's real. I swear I have had more placebo symptoms in months when I for sure have not been pregnant. Although I do feel like I have spidey-sense with my nose. I'm smelling every single particle in the air, I swear! :)

I won't lie, I'm still really scared I could have a miscarriage. It sucks to have to live in such fear, but they're really quite common. I absolutely feel that this is a total answer to prayer, and I don't know why God would arrange such extraordinary circumstances only to have it not come to full fruition... but if that does happen, I'm clinging to the idea that at least we know we did get there without any doctor's help, so there is still hope.

But yay! I'm pregnant! And if all goes well, I will be a mommy by Mother's Day! (due date May 4 according to the internet)


See? Two out of two tests agree, I is preggo!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Eerily accurate

Ah, listening to Imogen Heap's new album whilst playing Bejeweled Blitz... and I tune in to these lyrics which just speak my heart right now. It's really a beautiful song, sad, but beautiful. And if my heart could speak right now, I think this is what it would say:

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions...

Clambering for the scraps,
in the shatter of us collapsed.
Is cuts me with every "could have been"...

Pain on, pain on, play repeating.
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says,
that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hallow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out...?

There's nothing to see here now,
Turning the sign around.
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Stumbling cliché case,
Crumpled and puffy faced.
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one street-level miracle.
I'll be an out-in-out, born-again from none more cynical.

Everybody says,
that time heals everything.
All in the end.
But what of the wretched hallow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out...?

...and sit here cold?
We'll be long gone by then, and lackluster.
In dust we lay around old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene,
For all we could and should be being,
In the one life that we've got...

In the one life that we've got.

Everybody says,
that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hallow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out?
Sit here cold...
...just going to sweat it out?

Wait it out.

If you wanna take a listen, you can. This song is #2. The whole album is pretty great, though, I recommend it:

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Top Ten List: Self-Care

Ok, so the one suggestion I have received thus far for my blog is to do a "top ten" list.

And since I had a couple of funny realizations tonight, I figured I could give it a try.

Here are my top ten reasons why self-care takes precedence tonight:

10. Because I consistently fail to do this, and hide my laziness under doing things for others.

9. Because Red Vines are 3 points for 4, and I ate 3 before I even bothered to check.

8. Because my husband is gone and I have the house to myself.

7. Because my friend who I was going to hang out with tonight has another friend over.

6. Because I demolished some of my weight loss progress over the past 2 months.

5. Because I got EA Sports Active for the Wii thanks to a great and generous friend.

4. Because of EA Active, I can work out without leaving the house.

3. Because I am not leaving the house, the "dress code" is much more relaxed.

2. Because if I run out of water here, I can get more without begging quarters off of strangers.

1. Because the only one checking me out or judging me is my dog.

Picking up again

I must admit, some of the encouragement and feedback I got while I was trying to do the Thankful posts daily was great, and is missed.

I might try to pick those up again, even if only to get myself back into the habit of writing every day.

Or I might write about some other stuff, I'm still cooking up some kind of theme to keep me from meandering off into whiny-poor-me-blogland, or today I blew my nose 8 times blogland, or how cute is my dog blogland... you get the idea.

So, all that to say, stay tuned. And if you have a great idea for me, please, hand it over! :)